Conversations with my Aunt(s)

 Because I feel like the world is lesser without hearing the stories of my incredibly crazy aunts, I would like to take a moment/post to share some remarkably hilarious tales of aunts' eccentric ways.

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Aunt #1 (henceforth referred to as A1):

(Keep in mind these stories are the result of one visit! I could probably fill the entire internet--only a slight exaggeration--if I was to include every story!!)

To provide some context, A1 came to visit my other aunt (L) as L had been diagnosed with cancer. Below is a short snippet of the conversation that took place between A1 and my dad on the drive from the airport back to L's home city.

My dad (wanting to ensure that A1 was prepared for the reality she was going to meet when she saw L): "Hey. Just so you know, L tires out so you need to be aware of that."

A1 (quite concerned): "Oh no! How out are her tires? Do I need to get them balanced? Can I still drive the car?"

My dad's actual face for the next 10 minutes as he questioned everything in life, including the probability that he was actually related to his sister (A1):

My mom had to translate for him from the back seat as he was incapable of forming a thought that didn't start with "how dumb are you?"

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After moving past the tire incident, my mom and A1 started about health. A1 was telling my mom that she had recently been diagnosed with Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease (NAFLD). My mom, curious, asked what she was doing in regards to treatment. Here is the conversation:

A1: "I just went to the Naturopath. She gave me some stuff to drink. I drank it and pooped fat for a day and now I'm cured!"

My mom: "Oh, I thought the only cure was diet and exercise? Do you have to go back to the doctor for a follow-up?"

A1: "Of course, not! Like I said, I pooped fat for a day so I am cured."

Honestly, this story sums up my dad's family's medical experience and "expertise"!! 

As an individual with NAFLD (I know, I'm a saint), I just want to say, this is not a cure! And even if it was, she should probably have gone back to the doctor (cured or not) as I'm pretty sure pooping fat for a day isn't a good sign.

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Of course, we also have some stories of word confusion . . . 

"Ya, my friend moved to Canada because there were just so many murders where she was from and she didn't want to be the next murderer." -- Um, did you mean "murder" or should be all be concerned that you might be hanging out with the next Aileen Wuornos??!!!

"I used to work at a Y in Vancouver. It seemed as though the lifeguards were always yelling 'Fetuses in the pool! Fetuses in the pool.'" -- "Fetuses" or "Fecal" matter?? Again, very different conversation. 

After returning from trying to get a doctor's appointment in a different province during Covid-19: "No one would see me. I felt like a leopard." -- Okay Carol Baskin, I think you might mean "leper." No need to be so dramatic!

Or this one . . .

A1: "I have sleep acne."

Everyone else: "What's that?"

A1: "You know, when you stop breathing when you sleep."

Everyone else: "Oh, right! Sleep Acne."

                                              

But I can hardly forget to mention other aunts' mix-ups!!

For example, one of my other aunts (A2), thought that L had "prostrate cancer." My sister had to explain that, a) it's prostate and b) women don't have one. At the same time, one of my uncles was sure that he got his prostate checked every time he went to the doctor. His brothers were shocked. They also explained where it was and his response was "Oh! I definitely don't have that done!" So who knows what he's getting checked!

Another aunt (A3) thought that the shortened form of obituary was not the standard "obit" but "O-bitch!" So that was definitely a fun one since no one has yet corrected her!

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But back to A1 . . . 

When A1 came to visit, L was in the hospital. So, naturally during a pandemic, A1 had to answer some screening questions before she was allowed to see L. 

Nurse: "Have you been in contact with anyone who has been tested for Covid-19?"

A1: "Yes."

Nurse: "Oh??"

A1: "Me. Two and a half months ago. It was negative."

Nurse (or at least how I imagine it to have gone):

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And finally, the best story of the trip . . .

Tornado warnings were more frequent this year where we live. While A1 was here, there was a tornado warning. Being from Vancouver, A1 was no longer used to tornado warnings. When the alarm went off (i.e. the Weather Network warning) A1 rushed to stand in the bathtub (keep in mind there was another person in the house with her and she was not in a tub). Sure that the world was ending, A1 called A2 to tell her she loved her, just in case she didn't make it out alive. 

But it didn't stop there -- concerned that there would be glass (even though the bathroom had no windows) she wrapped herself in the shower curtain for added protection. But then, as she laid on the floor of the tub, she looked up and thought "the rod might fall on me, I should take it down!" Unfortunately, in her haste to take it down and prevent future injury, the rod fell and hit her on the head. When L's friend came to tell her she could get out of the tub, all L's friend heard was a faint "Okay" as A1 struggled to get out of the tub covered by a shower curtain and injured by a rod.