Weddings are from Hell and the One that Proved It

Weddings are the worst. Full stop, the end. While Covid-19 has wreaked havoc on everyone's year, the only consolation is that (sorry brides) weddings are either being postponed or cut down. Honestly, I'm jealous that I didn't have a significant other this year so that I could have eloped without hurting feelings!! Unfortunately, the weddings that remain are still weddings and, therefore, the worst things on earth. 

It's not that I hate the idea of marriage. In fact, I think that marriage is important. But the weddings?? A waste of my time. I love that you want to commit your lives to each other and all that other crap, but I'm not committing mine to you so why am I there? I mean, I'm happy for you, I'll share the time with you, but to give up the whole day broken up into little chunks that make it impossible to have lunch as its either too early or too late as it will ruin the reception dinner? That's a lot to ask. On top of it (and granted, I do realize that there are genuine couples--although I am sure that everyone thinks they're one of those), it always feels like such a show. But of course yours isn't, the photographer just happens to be the most expensive part of your budget. But that's just a coincidence and you do want to make sure that the happy memories are preserved forever. ~eye roll here~ 

Also, don't even get me started on the clinking of glasses and their "kiss on demand" implications. Okay, we came to the wedding, we watched your ceremony, we went home for a period of time that wasn't long enough to have a great nap but also too long to actually do something that would be productive, but now we have to watch you awkwardly kiss???? I don't think so. 

Additionally, we all have to suffer through the speeches that go on and on and on (do you get the point?). Some speeches are nice and enjoyable--either because they are short and sweet or because they included every embarrassing story about the bride/groom (which, let's be honest, is the expectation for the guests' appearance and participation in the day). Others are, like most weddings themselves, all about the show. You have the parents up there giving marriage advice like they're marriage gurus. I'm happy you're happy in your marriage, but you don't have to tell me how well you're doing. If you have to tell me, I might suspect that you're lying. 

Then the food. Honestly, there's usually a 50/50 shot the food it actually going to be any good, but maybe you've eaten better food at weddings than I have. I mean, minor complaint, but I did sit through the wedding ceremony and I will have to sit through the reception and annoying speeches. 

There's also always drama over who is or isn't invited. I don't necessarily care who is invited but somehow the drama seems to encapsulate the whole family, at least depending on how the dynamics of the family works. If anything, the drama gets really intense around seating arrangements. Who are you going to get stuck sitting with? Where is your table--by the head table (which kinda sucks as your heckling has to be quiet) or at the very back where you are clearly the unwanted table full of pity invites. Arguably, the back table is the most fun as you don't have to filter yourself, like at all. Has anyone seen the movie Table 19? Anyways. Invitations/seating = drama. 

Finally, the dance. Most of my experience has been with dry weddings (so your mileage may vary) but dances and dry weddings are a complete joke. It usually turns into chaos of unattended bratty children whose parents are so busy trying to navigate the drama or trying not to throw up at the intense cheesiness and superficiality of the day/evening to pay attention to their children. It's not cute. NO ONE WANTS TO DANCE WITH KIDS. Put us out of our misery, cancel the dance. 

While I could go on, I won't. Honestly, if you read this far, good for you! It's more than I was expecting. If I offended your love of weddings, complain somewhere else (rival blogs!!). But, now that I finished (or at least got tired of writing) my rant, let me provide you with the wedding from hell that managed to escape Covid-19 postponements.

At the beginning of July 2020, I went to a wedding. Boo. Leading up to the wedding, the drama was INTENSE! I come from a relatively close knit family even though my grandparents have 4 children. So my cousin decides to get married, whatever (apart from the fact that her fiance is 9 years older than her--desperate much?). So, as the whole world is aware, Covid hits and plans need to be change. Fine. Whatever. Embrace it and elope. But no, she has to have a full wedding (but won't postpone it?). So of course, there are going to be multiple iterations of what this wedding is going to look like. However, the wedding was not until beginning of July and we were constantly moving through new reopening stages. But, instead of waiting to see how it was going to look, decisions ~had~ to be made first week of April, mid-shut down. As a result, my immediate family, and even worse, my grandparents (the ones I share with the BRIDE), were all uninvited from the wedding. 

Then as more people were allowed, plans changed again, so my grandparents were re-invited but we were not. Fine. EXCEPT the Mother of the Bride's sister and family were invited. So, to catch you up, they were picking and choosing families to invite. Needless to say, it did not go over well. I mean, I am happy to not go to your wedding, but I want that to be my choice. I should be able to turn you down. I probably won't, but I like knowing I have that option. Also, if no aunts/uncles are invited, fine, but to pick and choose?!?!?!? I don't think so. My parents were hurt, but the insults did not end there. My aunt and uncle called and offered my mom a parking spot to watch from the road. Keep in mind, my parents would have to drive 24 hours one way to sit on the road. And they would not get food. My mom's just like "not worth my time." Both sides were not impressed! Fast forward a couple weeks, and, shocker, they can now invite more people, so we were re-invited officially for a real spot at the ceremony. Had they waited literally 2 weeks, no one's feelings would have been hurt. But whatever, you do you.

So now we get to the dreaded wedding day. I'm not going to lie, when my family gets dressed up, we look good. And honestly, we looked better than the bride (and 100% better than the groom). But I digress. We show up, sit down, and prepare for the ceremony. Honestly, it's not awful. Whoever they had singing ruined "Falling in Love" for me so RIP. The actual ceremony itself was kinda boring and the least personalized I have ever seen. After the ceremony, the couple was supposed to have a drive by greeting line but no one knew what was happening so we awkwardly stood by a tree and quietly heckled everything to ourselves. It was a little awkward as the Bride's dress was so low cut that even though there wasn't really anything to go into it, I was constantly worried that something was going to pop out! I had no idea where to look the entire day!!

Then the reception. I am a super super super competitive person and they had the dumb answer a question correctly and your table gets to go through the line. The first question, I knew the answer to but I thought it was a "put up your hand moment." It wasn't. So we missed out on that one. The second question I apparently wasn't loud enough. Keep in mind, I was the only one at the table who would remotely know any of the answers. The third question, I had no idea! My aunt (the mother of the bride) whispered/yelled an answer, it was wrong, then I yelled another one, and that was wrong too, and then finally the bride told me the answer and I think I cut off some other person, but not my problem and it was right and we ate (ignore the run-on sentence but it was the only way to partially show that my adrenaline was pumping so hard it took me like 10 minutes to calm down). 

Then we get to the food and it was honestly disappointing. Too many flavours happening so there was no cohesion and honestly, kind of gross. Later the cake was so dry I choked on it and the icing tasted like pure butter, no icing sugar. So disappointing as it was beautiful!

Oo! I forgot to say, our table was second row (which was fine) but still too close to the bride's parents and aunt from the other side to fully heckle, but we did anyways! Back would have been ideal but whatever. Also, seriously, has anyone seen Table 19? I think we had just as much fun as we are all "spicy" people. My sister also couldn't make it to the wedding so we used Duo to video chat her in but we had to make sure she was the small picture so no one could see her gag!

Then we have the dreaded clinking of glasses. Weird thing here: the Bride's mom instigated 50% of the clinking of glasses/kissing! Um, who wants to see there daughter and her new husband kiss so much. Gross. 

Then the speeches. 

The parents of the groom gave a nice SHORT speech that basically said, "we are weird, our family is weird, but welcome to it!" 

The Maid of Honour's speech was THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY NIGHT! Basically, since there is such a big age difference, he asked her out over text (even though he saw her earlier that day), and her family operates like my cousin should be desperate to get married at 20, the running joke is that she was desperate (him too). So the Maid of Honour is like "I was with you when you received the text asking you to go out with him" and everyone kinda chuckles. But then she continued and was like "and you were desperate enough to accept." And everyone died. And honestly, I was like, you are a QUEEN!

The Bride's parents' speeches were SUPER LONG. Like, my aunt pulls out a novel and you're like, okay, you are doing the speech for both, and then my uncle pulls out an even longer novel after and I'm like STOP TALKING. Theirs' were controversial to say the least. They basically thanked my everyone for coming but singled out my aunt's family as they had to drive so far (um, no honourable mention for the northerners??) and then gave wedding advice like they were the only ones with a successful marriage. News flash, my grandparents have been married for 50 years. Also, it was cheesy and sappy and showy and insincere and everything I hate about weddings. 

Finally, the evening lasted with a 20 minute dance (19 minutes was their first dance--okay too far). But they literally picked the longest first dance song in the history of first dance songs. Even the photographer got bored and stopped taking pictures!  

So, while I may have forgotten details, here my proof that weddings are from hell. If there are spelling/grammar mistakes, add it to the comments. Weddings (or talking about weddings) are emotionally draining. But it's fine, I'm over it.